Sunday, September 18, 2005


So I’ve been totally down the last couple of days. I just really feel like I don’t know where I belong. I started hanging out a lot this semester with a great group of people that are a lot of fun, but I always feel like an outsider like I’m intruding or something. I told this to one guy and he said I tend to push myself on people. I guess I do, but I don’t really know how or what to do to stop it. I really hate being alone, but I seem to end up that ways a lot. I’m sitting with this whole group of people and they are talking about going to a movie and not one do they even hint at seeming like I should come along. I don’t know I guess I’ve always been like this, but when I think I’m getting better about it I seem to screw it up again.
In High School it was mainly because I was a partier, but now I’m at a Christian College and I still can’t seem to fit in right. I think part of the problem is past experiences. When you become really good at hiding certain parts of your life and change who you are its hard to be yourself. Sometimes I’m not even sure I know who I am. Don’t get me wrong I know whose I am, but not really sure who I am. Such is the price of sin and a fallen world. I know I don’t deserve friends, none of us do, but yet I still strongly desire them. I know I should find my satisfaction is Christ first and then the rest will follow, but at times my faith just isn’t strong enough. I could lie and say I was, but that would just heap burning coal onto my sins. Well I guess the answer is prayer, and I know it is. Yet, I seem to feel so melancholy, which is a byproduct of sin. So I ask those few reader I may have to pray for me when I can’t seem to pray for myself.

In God we Trust (even when it is difficult),
Jason Vaughn

P.S. I realize I get like this once a month I think its like the male period or something.

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